The Bathroom Saga...

This is an ongoing thing. My bathroom has just been renovated. It was done very slowly and incompetently by a greaseball whom I believe may well be a drug dealer. By reading what follows you will learn how I came to this shocking conclusion.

The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Which was quite easy as no names have had to be changed.

NB. Update: 28/4/1998 - There are now some more pictures that relate to this story. Thumbnails can be found at the bottom of this page...

Our tale begins in mid January....

Mid-January:
We visit the shop "Bathroom World" which is deep in the ganglands of Solihull. The proprieter there, who shall be known as Tarek on account of his grey hair and big, black, bushy eyebrows, tells us work will start in "Early Feb".

Early Feb:
A very greasy man, whose hair is obviously dyed, turns up at the door claiming he has come to do the bathroom. Our dog, who usually barks constantly at visitors, does not make a sound and follows Greaseball around in silence.

5 Feb
Greaseball has stripped the entire bathroom. He has been working well - turning up at 08:30 every day and leaving at 17:00. The only worrying thing is that ridiculously dodgy blokes keep visiting the Greaseball. One has been more than the others. I do not know his name, but he always wears a red sweater and talks in a bizarre accent. A mixture of Geordie, Dutch, New Zealand and South African.

6 Feb
Greaseball does not arrive until 09:13. He goes upstairs for about 40 minutes when he comes downstairs and claims he has "...left something at the shop and will go and pick it up." and claims he "...shan't be long." Oh, how we were to come to rue the day we ever heard those words... He returns two hours later - stays for about an hour then leaves giving the same reason and again claiming the he "...shan't be long." Red Sweater visits again today for no reason at all.

After Greaseball left today, I took a photograph of the bathroom. This is it. The whole bathroom looks like this. Greaseball has been working hard. Click on the image for a full size version.

7 Feb
A Saturday. Greaseball does not come. Having never returned yesterday, I start to wonder if he has fled the country.

9 Feb
For this entry I quote from an email I sent on this day:

I am a bit worried. Greaseball came this morning, but left at 10:00 claiming
he had to go back to the shop to pick some stuff up. He hasn't come back.
The shop is about 10mins drive away. Perhaps he ventured into the ganglands
of Solihull and got shot. This seems quite likely.

He finally returned at around 15:30 with several crates full of tiles. He informs me that their total value is over £1300. This is clearly impossible so I decide that they are made of solid cocaine. I quote from an email sent to me by Yidon

I think Tarek is running a drug smuggling agency from your half-built
bathroom. Greaseball is the frontrunner, Tarek is the Big Cheese and the
other dudes claiming to be bathroom fitters are clients. From Solihull
clearly.

11 Feb
Greaseball has tiled all of the floor and some of the walls. However he left today at around 13:00 to get a bigger tile cutter claiming that he "...shan't be long." He never returned.

12 Feb
An exciting development. Whilst I am out the phone rings. Greaseball answers it upstairs, but not before the answering machine downstairs has started recording. This is a transcript of the conversation. The caller is unknown since a 1471 revealed nothing and I cannot recognise the caller's voice.

Greaseball:Alright?
Caller: Yeah, any chance of you copping out today?
Greaseball: Maybe later, I've still got some lines to cut on these tiles.
Caller: What those tiles you told me about yesterday?
Greaseball: Yeah, them.
pause
Caller: Right well I'll see you later then?
Greaseball: Right.

13 Feb
Greaseball spent about 10 minutes here today. I don't know what he did.

14 Feb
Despite the fact that it is a Saturday, Greaseball turns up. He has given no warning of this. He stays for about an hour doing something to the ceiling. Then he leaves, promising to be here on Monday "8:30 sharp - bright and early".

16 Feb
Greaseball turns up at 08:46. He does something more to the ceiling. At 13:02 an Irish bloke who looks insanely dodgy arrives at the door demanding to see Greaseball. He goes up to the bathroom and leaves after about 20 minutes. He has brought nothing and leaves with nothing. I do not know who he was or why he was here.

17 Feb
Greaseball arrives at 09:00 and leaves without a word at 12:30. He returns at 16:04 and leaves 14 minutes later. He has now plumbed in the bath.

18-22 Feb
Sadly I had important business to attend to which required that I be out of town for a few days. Upon my return I found Greaseball had done virtually nothing. Except left a strong smell of cigarette smoke in the bathroom, despite the fact that he claims never to smoke in the house. The only visible progress he has made is that he has started installing the shower in the other bathroom.

23 Feb
Today Greaseball arrives at 09:04, put down his sheets, dumps some tools, leaves. He comes back a few hours later and seals the sinks and bath. This is a five minute process that involves squeezing a tube of sealant around the place and then removing the excess. He also nearly finishes the shower in the other bathroom. He claims he can't because he "hasn't been sent the stuff he ordered". How silly of me to think that it could possibly be his fault that it has taken nearly twice as long as it should have and it still isn't finished. He says he will get the parts and come back tomorrow.

24 Feb
Greaseball does not come at all. He does not phone or anything to explain where he is. However an Irish bloke called Seamus (no, really!) comes, measures the back door and then says that Greaseball has started another job elsewhere.

25 Feb
Again Greaseball fails to turn up. It is possible that he found this diary and has fled the country. This seems unlikely since Greaseball does not have the brains to use a computer. Tarek might have done it though. Tomorrow, if Greaseball doesn't come, I will go and see if "Bathroom World" is still trading, or if it is all boarded up.

...9 March
Greaseball has still not returned. However we visited Bathroom World yesterday. Tarek was there. He apologised for Greaseball's roodness (with a double "o") and says he will be back tomorrow. He refused to comment on Greaseball not being around recently.

10 March
Greaseball did not come today. At all. However, Tarek phoned to say that Greaseball would definitely come tomorrow and would bring all the parts he had been missing previously. Due to a bizarre desire to keep living we are not holding our breath. To prevent us being sooed (with a double "o") we suggest you do the same.

11 March
Greaseball finally returns. He arrives at 9:07am and gets to work straight away. He actually seems to be working quite well until one of Tarek's henchmen, Reebok, arrives. He comes and rings the bell. I open the door to him and he comes in. While we are standing in the hall Greaseball comes charging down the stairs, shuts the front door, locks it, and then glares at me for no reason at all. Reebok and Greaseball go upstairs and have a very loud argument which is punctuated by loud bangs. Reebok suddenly runs down the stairs and out the house, speeding off in his car. 10 minutes later he returns. When he goes upstairs Greseball makes some more loud banging and Reebok shouts "CALM DOWN!" very loudly. But not in a Liverpool accent. Not long afterwards Reebok again runs down the stairs and speeds off in his car. Greaseball takes lunch at 12:41 claiming he shan't be long. While he is out, Red Sweater arrives. He leaves two planks of wood and a bag of some white powdery stuff on the door step, but refuses to bring them in. I go out and when I return at 2:07 Greaseball is back and the two planks have gone, but the bag of powdery stuff is still there. During the morning Greaseball finished the second shower, installed the second basin and attached things to the walls like towel rails and soap dishes, etc.

12 March
Greaseball returns at 15:39. He has an old bloke with him. This is not someone I have seen before. They have a very big mirror with them. They claim it is to replace the perfectly functioning existing mirror.

22 April
Greaseball has now finished. He took slightly longer than the three weeks he said he would. He also felt the need to retile the floor and artex the ceiling of the other bathroom - the one in which he was only meant to be installing a new shower.

And there we have it. Greaseball and Tarek are out of my life....at least for now. Although I turned a blind eye to their apparent criminal activities, who is to say what their next customer will do? Will I will be called to give evidence? Who knows?

Right, well I do have pictures of the completed bathroom that should be appearing in the near future. Tomorrow, if I can be bothered.

Some photos...

Click for the full size version and accompanying text