This is a picture
of a bloke cutting down a tree with a chainsaw. Or is it? If you look closely,
it is quite blatantly a bloke standing there with a chainsaw that is not
turned on! Look at the relaxed way he is holding it! Look at the lack of
sawdust! But, anyway, once you get over being cheated out of some good
cutting, check out the saw! How big is that??!!??! Either this bloke is
very small, or that is one massive saw!
Here we see Homer with rather a large chainsaw. Unlike the poof in the
picture above, Homer's saw is turned on and ready to cut through anything
in its path. Because, as everybody knows, that's what chainsaws do. It's
true. If Bart were to get in the way off that chainsaw, he would be chopped
in half as easily as a hot knife cuts through a slab of soft butter. Try
it if you don't believe me. Go on! Chainsaws are really great weapons for
mass destruction! Unlike guns, you don't need a licence to buy one, unlike
Samurai swords, it is perfectly legal to carry one round the streets with
you. You are perfectly within your rights if you charge down the High Street
with a roaring chainsaw above your head shouting "RUN FOR COVER! I'M GOING
TO KILL YOU ALL!" The police can't lay a hand on you until you actually
start massacring people! But I digress... Getting back to Homer, what does
he think he's doing firing up a chainsaw in the house??? Very dangerous,
I think! I have not seen this particular episode of "The Simpsons", but
if you have, please mail
me and tell me what he is doing so I can enlighten those like me who
don't know. Perhaps he is preparing to go on a killing spree. That hockey
mask he is wearing lends weight to this argument.
This,
as you can probably tell is a picture of Garfield with a chainsaw. But
that is not the most important part of this picture. No, the most important
part is the small legend in the bottom corner that appears to read
"Scan by CSP Holland". This is something written there by the person who
scanned in the in image. By putting that there he hopes to let you know
that I did not scan the image in myself. I just went to a site and picked
it up and stole it. Yes, theft. But getting back to the picture. Like most
cartoon chainsaws, and in common with Homer's above, this saw bears no
resemblance to any real saw, thus depriving us of the knowledge of what
kind of saw Jim Davies uses. In my large collection of chainsaws I do not
have any that bear the inscription "Mr Chainsaw". I tried to write it on
one of them in permanent marker, but it didn't work. But I have no doubt
of my chainsaws' masculinity. Once again, however, Garfield is in clear
breach of the rules of safe chainsawing: using a chainsaw in the house.
Or perhaps I am being a little presumptuous - he may have the computer
outside. Who knows?
This is a picture of a chainsaw that I found on some site. If you click
on it you may find the site it is on. That really depends on if I can remember
where I found it. I do remember that it was the most impressive chainsaw
on the page (only the best for this site), so if you do visit their page
it will only be an anticlimax.
Another
picture of a chainsaw. This one is a Stihl. Regarded by some as the kings
of chainsaw building. While I agree they are excellent saws, I have never
felt completely safe with a Stihl in my hands. Still, they have a very
pretty site which you can visit by clicking on the saw.
This one isn't really a saw, so I left it 'till last. It is a fascinating
picture of how to cut a tree down if you are new to chainsawing. Ah, I
remember with fondness the days when I would refer to a diagram like this
before approaching a tree. Nowadays, of course, it's just :Tree, saw, cut,
fall. I suppose if I think about it I do still do what it says, but when
you've been sawing as long as I have, you just do it. Strangely, I couldn't
find a similar diagram for the best way to insert a chainsaw in to a person's
torso.
Some other people's sites...
© Andrew Carmichael
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